I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
