...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
