I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
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