life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i dont even know how to be here
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
