i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
