Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
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Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
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You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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