i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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