He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
