Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
