They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
