what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
