His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You are a genius and a whore.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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