i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
