today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
