I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
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i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
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There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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