i just had sex bonerless
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
