as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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