you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
