Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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