I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
