Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
