It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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