I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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