You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
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We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
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I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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