Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
