you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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