I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
