Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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