Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize