dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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