if you like me you must not know who I am
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
