Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
