dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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