If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
MIDGETS
????
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
