He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
