I think I died a long time ago.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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