Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
