I could make wine with my vomit
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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