Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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