My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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