The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
