The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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