Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
