I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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