if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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