As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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