woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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