I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
