Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
