remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
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Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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