tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
