he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
It's never too late to be topless.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
