He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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