worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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