I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
