I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
